


you took my life with yours

by actualsunshinejakedillinger (orphan_account)



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide, and by angst i mean I'll make you want to die sorry in advance, except this time it's richjake angst, jake calling rich 'richie' is my aesthetic bUT NOT LIKE THIS ABORT ABORT FUCK GO BACK, the aftermath of my sad-ass boyf riends fic, this is so fucking sad holy shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-12-03 06:32:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11526528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/actualsunshinejakedillinger
Summary: so in my sad-ass boyf riends fic 'i love you more than my life' i wrote brief prologues for all of the squip squad kiddos, but i randomly decided to elaborate on some of that so here comes the angsty fic no one asked forthe violent sob-inducing fic from the devil himself: richjake editiontw: suicide, ptsd, brief panic attack, depression





	you took my life with yours

**Author's Note:**

> whoomp y'all thought my next fic was going to be fluffy ha sIKE prepare to cry
> 
> (also i was supposed to be posting that other fic, but i just decided to write this instead oh well. fluffy richjake coming soon i promise pls don't kill me)

Jacob Dillinger was trapped in his hospital room. Due to his impulsive nature to go on rampages through the hospital searching for his friend, the medical staff was forced to keep him on room-arrest until he was able to be discharged. All he wanted was to find out if Rich was okay. No one would tell him anything no matter how hard he pleaded for them to just let him know if he was alive or not. He was completely alone and in the dark about everything. He was alone with his thoughts, his fears, and his nightmares of that night.

Every time he closed his eyes he could feel Rich's small figure in his arms, but not in the way he's always wanted. He could feel the heat surrounding him and the thickness in the air. It was an almost regular occurrence that his nurses would have to come into his room multiple times during the day and night to stop him from hysterically screaming and sobbing for hours. He couldn't wait to get out of there. He knew when he did he would go straight home and call Jeremy who was bound to know where Rich's room was, or at least know how to find out. He needed to see him. He needed to apologize for everything that happened to him and to tell Rich that he didn't blame him. After the party, he knew just how badly Rich's squip had fucked him up, but he needed to just tell him everything would be okay. He needed to see him and tell him the truth about why he risked his life without hesitation to save a boy who everyone else thought was hopeless. He couldn't leave without him. Jake knew he would never forget every single second of that night, but part of him was glad about that. He would always remember the moment he realized he was absolutely insanely in love with his best friend. As he burst through his bedroom door his saw Rich curled up in a ball on his bed, the comforter and mattress ablaze around him, undoubtedly burning him horribly. Jake almost threw up as he stumbled over to the side of the bed in long-legged, wobbly strides. He reached into the wall of flames and curled his arms underneath Rich's body and lifted him towards his chest, crying burning tears of joy when he felt a weak pulse alongside his own racing one. Rich wasn't conscious which both made Jake horrified as well as a bit relieved, knowing there was no way Rich could try to convince him to leave him behind and search for a safer way for Jake to escape on his own.

From then on all that mattered was getting out of there as soon as possible. It didn't matter how, just as long as they were outside. They were only on the second floor of the house and without a second thought, Jake was at his bedroom window, prying it open and holding his breath as he jumped, leaning back as much as he could so Rich wouldn't feel any of the impact. The moment he felt them make contact with the grass below, he immediately felt dizzy, keeping his eyes closed to prevent passing out as his arms tightened around Rich's body in his arms. He sobbed because it was the only thing he could do.

He couldn't get up, his chest hurt too badly to scream, and most of his guests were still standing around on the sidewalk in front of his house and would hopefully call some of the paramedics over to them. His fingers curled through the ends of Rich's dark blond hair as he felt the smaller boy shift a little. His heart just about leapt out of his chest as he tightened his grip around him.

"Hey, you're okay, it's okay, you're going to be fine," Jake whispered, repeating reassurances over and over as Rich relaxed a little bit more every time. "I got you, Richie. I'd never let anything happen to you."

He cracked his eyes open as he heard voices and footsteps coming towards him and saw a small group of paramedics rushing towards them. He would've screamed if he had the voice to when they pulled Rich from his grasp. All he could do was hold him tightly for as long as he could and let his tears continue to fall. Before he knew it he was off the ground, but the second his feet stood up, he was out. His head started spinning and the two nurses he had lifting him from both of his arms attempted to lead him to walk and he simply couldn't move. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew what he had done. What had happened to him. He simply didn't care, though. As long as Richie is safe.

From that moment on he never saw him again. Every single time someone entered his hospital room after that he would ask them. He began asking to see him, but as they quickly denied anyone but family, he just needed to know if he was okay. He begged doctors and nurses just to tell him if he was alive. 

They never did.

Jake was left to interpret his own answers to his questions and it was bad. Freakishly bad. He hardly slept and spent most of his days just staring out the fifth story window and reliving that night over and over in his head. 

It was November eleventh when Jake was released, not caring about how he literally would never walk again, but just wanting to get out of there as soon as possible. As he called a taxi to take him to a cheap motel nearby where he knew Rich's house was, he called Jeremy, hoping for some information on Rich. 

The phone rang and rang before he heard the fateful answering machine tone and as he was about to hang up and try calling someone else when he heard an unfamiliar voice as the message. 

"Hello," a sad voice filled Jake's ears, grasping his attention. He assumed it was Jeremy's dad, but he just wondered why it would be. "Whoever you may be, you must not know this, but my son Jeremy passed away on October thirty-first. I'm terribly sorry to any of his friends and, Michael, if this is you, I have his old recording saved if you want it, just let me know. Sorry to everyone calling."

Jake didn't even realize he was crying until he hung up and felt the tears running down his cheeks. He sighed heavily, running his hands through his hair as he sniffled. 

"My god Jeremy," he spoke regretfully, realizing how many people had likely been hurt by his party and he brushed the tears from his cheeks. He hadn't known Jeremy for long, but he knew he was a good kid. He wasn't like Jake, or Rich, or Chloe, or any of the others, he was just nice. Just a nice kid with a whole lot going for him that didn't deserve this. 

Taking a deep breath, he stood, gathered his minimal things, and booked a room at the motel, shrugging off the receptionist's questions. He found his room, tossing his small pile of clothes and things on the bed and he left once again. He called a cab again and within minutes he was racing to Rich's house. After that, he couldn't bring himself to think of Michael, that kid Jeremy always hung out with. His best friend. 

He couldn't let that be him. Heartbroken and alone without his best friend, his other half. No, he needed to go see Rich. 

It had been hard to get used to the wheelchair at first, but at this point he could manage for himself, ignoring the stares from pedestrians and reminding himself to call a handicapped cab. He would say he couldn't believe it, but he was fairly quick to accept it. 

It was beyond worth it in his mind. Jake knew he would jump out of that window a million times over if it meant Rich was okay. 

It was around nine or ten o'clock at night when he pulled up outside Rich's house, feeling defeated when he saw that most of the lights were off. Thankfully Rich's house was quite small and only had one floor so he wouldn't have to worry about his chair. As the cab driver helped him out of the van off the ramp, he rolled up to Rich's door and knocked a few times. No answer. 

He reminded himself that he still had no idea if Rich was even there, but he figured they would've been released around the same time. Whether he would actually go home afterward was debatable. However, this wasn't out of character. Jake tried the doorknob, slightly unsettled to find that is was unlocked as he maneuvered his way over the doorframe and rolled as quietly as he could down the hallway. He passed by the living room spotting Rich's dad passed out on the sofa and continued his way to Rich's bedroom. The door was ajar and Jake knew it would creak a little when he opened it, but this was a pretty clear sign Rich had been home at least recently. 

The moment Jake's wheels touched into the room something was off. The sheets on Rich's bed were folded neatly as if he had either made it earlier that day or hadn't slept in it for a while. Both of those weren't likely and it made Jake's blood run cold. Something was very, very wrong. As he sat there he looked around Rich's bedroom and almost didn't recognize it. The minimal space was freakishly tidy, unlike anything he had ever seen of Rich's, and his adjoining bathroom door was barely cracked open with the light on. He rolled over slowly, subconsciously afraid of what he might find. What he did see, though, never crossed his mind. It wasn't even a possibility. 

Until it was. 

There, curled up against the edge of the bathtub and the wall was Rich Goranski. Bandaged, bruised, scarred, and crying. In his hands was a bright orange pill bottle and Jake choked on his sobs. 

"Rich," Jake spoke, his voice barely audible. It was enough to get the smaller boy's attention, though as he looked up from burying his face in his arms and knees. His bright hazel eyes were now red and teary and his freckled face was puffy and raw. Jake broke into millions and millions of pieces as his horrified face looked from Jake's and then down to his legs, more tears flooding from his eyes. 

"J-Jakey, I'm s-so s-sorry," he sputtered out, sinking backward away from Jake. His voice was different, more natural. Jake was almost completely sure he'd heard a little bit of a lisp in there somewhere. Ignoring his feelings, he slid not-so-gracefully out of his wheelchair and pulled himself over to Rich, and ripping the pill bottle out of his fingers. He heard the reassuring tapping of the pills rattling around inside the bottle and simply wrapped his arms around the shaking boy. 

What he didn't know was that there used to be many more pills in that bottle. 

Nevertheless, he pulled Rich into his lap, cradling his body as the small boy sobbed into his jacket. Jake ran his fingers through Rich's soft blonde hair, twiddling the red streak in his fingers especially. The slowly decreasing heart rate of the boy in his arms scared Jake more than he would admit, but he disregarded it, speaking as calmly as he could.

"Hey," he started, causing Rich to lean back slightly to face him. Jake's hands moved to wrap one around his waist as the other cupped his cheek, brushing off his tears. "Hey, don't worry about me. I'm fine, see?" He gestured to his body with a weak smile. He could tell Rich wasn't convinced. "Richie, everything that happened to me is something I'd choose in a heartbeat over losing you."

Rich absolutely broke down at that, leaning into Jake's chest and curling his fingers into the soft fabric of his t-shirt. Jake ran his fingers in loose circles on Rich's back, reaching out and grabbing one of his hands and continuing the same motion. 

"J-Jake I'm s-so s-sorry," Rich choked out, linking his hand with Jake's

Jake just shushed him, moving his hands from his back and guiding Rich to lean back a little to face him as Jake once again held his face in his hands.

_It's like holding the whole world_ , he thought, smiling sadly. 

Jake chuckled half-heartedly and, feeling a little too confident, pressed a chaste kiss to the smaller boy's forehead. Rich's breath hitched at the contact, but he didn't flinch. He simply held onto Jake's hand even tighter. 

He just shook his head at Rich's apology.

"Absolutely not. None of this was your fault. I don't blame you for any of this, love," Jake spoke sweetly, his face flushing crimson at his unintentional word choice. "Everything's going to be okay, Richie. I got you and I'm never letting you go."

He was silent after Jake finished talking before taking a deep breath and facing Jake once more. 

"N-no," Rich spoke. "I-it's too l-late. I r-ruined e-everything."

Jake's face turned from painfully lovestruck to absolutely horrified as his eyes flooded with tears and his hands trembled uncontrollably. His head shook back and forth, mumbling the same words over and over again. 

"No, no, no, no, no, no."

Rich sobbed, clinging to Jake like his life depended on it. As much as he wished it did, he had no control over that anymore. If he could go back twenty minutes and just decided that his life was dictated by how tightly he could hold Jake, he'd never let that boy go. Even if it had nothing to do with his life, he wished he could just hold him forever. But he ruined that on his own. It was his own stupid fault and he couldn't stop the flood of regret he felt. 

"R-Richie, you c-can't leave m-me," Jake choked out through a constant stream of sobs. "I c-can't l-lose you a-again."

Rich wished more than anything that he wouldn't. He reached into Jake's jacket pocket and pulled out his phone, handing it to the taller boy who took it with wide eyes and shaking hands.

"I d-don't want to," Rich whispered with a voice so terrified he couldn't believe it was his own. "Here. Try, please."

Jake nodded, his face so afraid that Rich just curled up against him, holding his hand tighter than either had thought possible. 

"H-hello?" Jake stuttered out into the phone. "Y-yes, 911? My b-best friend j-just took a b-bunch of p-pills and I n-need an a-ambulance." With every word, Rich's heart broke more and more. Jake sounded just like a little kid, so scared and alone and it was all his fault. He held on to every single syllable he could hear of Jake's voice as he gave the operator his address and pleaded for them to hurry.

"P-please, I c-can't lose h-him. H-he's all I h-have left," Jake cried out, his voice cracking throughout. Rich wailed, burying his head in Jake's chest, both boys wrapping their bodies around each other. This was all his fault and Rich felt awful leaving Jake all alone. 

"J-Jakey," Rich mumbled, receiving a shaky hum in response. "I'm scared."

Jake inhaled sharply, pressing kiss after kiss to Rich's forehead, rubbing his hands down his arms and continuing to squeeze his hand. Rich simply melted at Jake's touch, knowing that if he would just let himself, he could fall asleep right here in his arms and be happier than he ever had been in his entire life. 

"I know, love. I know. Everything is going to be okay," Jake cried, his voice soft and comforting. Every single moment they spent together Rich asked himself how he could've possibly been so lucky to have this boy in his life, but he just sighed and pressed a kiss to Jake's cheek, smiling at the pink flood that soon after covered his cheeks.

He took a deep breath, having nothing else left to lose, and did the scariest thing he could think to do. 

"I love you," he breathed out, looking up at Jake's candy apple-green eyes and falling deeper and deeper and deeper. 

He watched as tears came falling as Jake's strong body trembled around him and his forehead was soon pressed against Rich's. 

"God, I love you too. So, so, so much, Richie," Jake said, his words enough to make Rich smile once more, pulling his face upwards and lightly colliding their lips, even if only for a minute. Jake's whole life was made in that moment. He had everything he ever needed right there and, for just a second, he was happier than he had ever been. 

That was until he pulled away and remembered what was happening and where they were. He choked out a sob, pulling the small boy into his chest and just holding him tightly, silently vowing to never let him go.

They stayed that way in silence for just a few minutes before Jake started to notice the slowly decreasing tempo of Rich's heart rate. He cried out weakly once more before just taking a deep breath and running his hands through the soft blonde and red hair brushing against his neck. 

"It hurts, Jakey," Rich mumbled, his voice like that of a terrified child. Jake felt every ounce of his soul breaking apart. His chest ached at the thought of letting him go, but he felt so guilty holding onto him like that. He couldn't leave him, not even if he wanted to, but he just couldn't stand the idea of being there holding him. He also couldn't imagine being anywhere else. Rich wanted him there and Jake wanted to be with him for as long as humanly possible. "I'm so tired."

Jake couldn't stop crying to the point where he just felt empty. Like he was just a shell left with nothing but fear and an unbelievable love. This was supposed to only happen in movies or in stories, but never to him. Never to Jake Dillinger, the boy who had already lost everything else he loved. Everything but one boy. He savored every moment of that night and continued to tell himself that no matter what happened, he would never let him go. Whether he was just always there in his heart, or the paramedics burst into the bathroom at that moment and saved him, he would never give him up again. 

"I-it's okay, love. Y-you can l-let g-go," Jake almost couldn't get the words out of his mouth as his voice cracked and warped in pain. He never wanted to say those words. He knew it was selfish not to, though. He just sank backward and pulled the smaller boy into his lap until he was completely in his arms and Jake was just tangled up in him. He breathed deeply, burying his face in Rich's soft hair and promised to remember the scent of sugar cookies and peppermint car fresheners forever. He traced up and down the skin on Rich's arms, feeling the warmth and texture of his body that was now a smooth canvas littered with bandages and scars, but he didn't mind. It was still him, and he loved every last bit of that boy. His hands cupped Rich's bright pink cheeks and burned the map of all of his freckles into his memory. He pressed a quick kiss on the tip of Rich's nose, a small smile creeping onto the boy's lips as Jake pulled away.

He didn't move a muscle after he simply pulled the smaller boy towards him and secured his arms around him tightly, burying his head in his hair and he just cried. He cried and cried and cried until he simply couldn't anymore. He was broken for real, this time irreparably. He was fully content to just stay there for the rest of his life. He wouldn't have minded at all, except that someone happened to know he was there and when he heard the sirens wailed outside Rich's house, Jake just tightened his grip around the boy he loved so, so much, and prayed to a god he didn't believe in that he wouldn't have to make it much longer without him. He didn't have anything left and when those paramedics rushed into the bathroom finally, he didn't move an inch. He stayed just as he was until someone grabbed onto his arms and began to separate the two.

"No! P-please, no! P-please you c-can't take h-him! I c-can't lose h-him a-again!" He wailed as they took Rich away, a man carrying him in his arms as they rushed out of the room. He watched them until he simply couldn't see the two anymore. It was that moment that he fully processed the missing space in his arms and just sank down against the wall, curling in on himself the best he could, despite his legs. He screamed the second another one of the paramedic nurses touched his shoulder, not caring that she jumped back instantly at the wail that escaped his lips. Jake couldn't breathe. He buried, his head in his arms and screamed the loudest he could. Thankfully it wasn't particularly loud for everyone else, but it was the most sound Jake's broken voice could muster and it held the most pain anyone present had ever heard in their lives. His body shook with all the sobs and he couldn't feel a thing anymore. Nothing but a broken heart remained. 

He wished he could tell him that he didn't regret a thing. That losing his house, his memories of his parents, a friend he hardly even had a chance to know, and the use of his legs was all worth it. He would go through it again and again just to see him smile one more time. To kiss his lips once more. To brush through his soft hair, or to hold his tiny hands, or to just hold him for one more minute, it would all be worth it. He didn't regret a single thing he did or said. He just wished he had a chance to do it all again.

After that night Jacob Dillinger developed one of the worst ever undocumented and untreated cases of post-traumatic stress disorder the state of New Jersey had ever seen. He lived alone from then on, never contacted by his family and cutting ties with almost all of his peers at school. Except for a few, but he just couldn't stand being around the constant reminders. Wherever he went he was smothered by negative reminders and posters around the school discouraging suicide and drug use and he just couldn't take it. Jake Dillinger walked the halls the way he felt like he could, same as he always had. He used to have the confidence of a kid who would wave at everyone around him with a wide smile and a casual stance, but now he just kept his head down and his headphones on. It surprised him to get a letter in the mail a few days after news surfaced that Michael Mell had committed suicide after Jeremy died. He wasn't surprised about that, but when he opened that letter and read his words of understanding, he couldn't help but accept his encouragement. 

' _Jake Dillinger. You and I aren't that different if you think about it. We both lost someone we loved because of your damned party. Not that I blame you, please know that. I just miss Jer and I know you miss Rich. I thought I could do it without him, I'd just go back to the way I had been while he first had the squip, but I couldn't do it. He was my better half and I hope you understand that I can't be there to understand you anymore. I know you don't know this, but I visited you in the hospital. Rich asked me to, and despite how much I just couldn't stand to be near him after that night, I knew what it must've felt like for him to not know what happened to you, so I visited. As you know I didn't actually come in and talk to you, I simply couldn't. You remind me too much of him. Always wanting to be loved and surrounded by the people you love. But I saw how sad you were and part of me knew deep down that this was coming. I should've warned you, or said something to Rich, or anything like that, but I didn't. I couldn't bring myself to do it. So here I am, writing you a suicide note as part of my collection. I just had a few things left I needed to say, so here goes. Go into my locker at school and you'll find a small bag with a pair of headphones and an iPod. Take them and use them. You'll need it. It was one of the things that made me think I could do it, but there were too many memories tied to them all. That's why I think it might help you. Create some new memories with these songs. They meant a lot to me and I hope they will to you too one day. Second, if you could go talk to Jeremy's dad that would mean the world to me. I have a letter with the headphones that I would like to be given to him somehow, but mostly if you could just tell him what happened he would really appreciate an explanation. He still doesn't know and I couldn't bring myself to tell him. My story is in that letter. Now all that's left is yours. Lastly, please make it through this. If not for yourself then do it because Rich loved you. Because he loved every single part of you and knowing he hurt you would ruin him in whatever way that works. I know you can do it. You're the strongest person I've never really met and I believe in you, Jake. I know about your parents and I know that if you could make it through that and find a way to be happy, sometimes at least, then you can do this. Find the things you still have left and hang on tight to them. Go find Chloe, or Brooke, or Jenna, or Dustin, or hell find a way to track down Christine and just let them make you happy. Let yourself be happy again and don't feel guilty about it. Not for more than a second. A second of guilt here and there is a chance to remember and to tell yourself to imagine how proud he would be. Jake, take it from me, Michael Mell, the kid you never met. I know who you are inside and I feel it too. I couldn't do it, which means that if anyone can do it, it's you. Go get 'em. We're all rooting for you._

_-Michael Mell, former nerd, eternal Jake Dillinger cheerleader'_

He cried more than he ever thought possible reading those words. 

But he silently said he would. He would try his goddamn best to do this and if he couldn't, he would know he almost made it.

Because he loved the world they created together and if he could just walk through those memories with a smile, he could do it. They had a whole life together and at first, he thought that Rich took that life with him, but he just left a new one for Jake to finish. It was a story that they had written together that Rich had given a plot twist that Jake hadn't seen coming, but that didn't mean he couldn't write his own alternate ending. Besides, he had plenty of great memories to work with and wonderful people to help him through it. 

So he did what Michael asked. The day after he received the letter he found the music in his locker and tucked the letter in his hoodie pocket for after school. For the first time in ages, he smiled a little as he shuffled the music library on the iPod and was met with what seemed like an endless stream of Bob Marley. He almost cried right there after he did it. A little chuckle escaped his lips and his first instinct was to suppress it and pretend like it never happened, but instead, he turned away and walked down the hallway a little bit lighter than before. 

He still avoided everything in a five block radius of Rich's house, and he still collapsed and didn't move for hours the first time he went into his motel bathroom, but he was getting better. Slowly. Very, very slowly. 

But he delivered that letter to Mr. Heere after school that next day. He told him his story and other than getting mad, he just hugged the boy. He held him exactly like how you'd expect a man who just lost his son to hold him like. And Jake held him back like a kid who didn't have his dad through the worst time of his life. 

As for his friends, he texted Chloe as he left that same afternoon and asked her to meet him at the place where they had their first date. She never responded, but as Jake walked up beside the Pinkberry near their school, he saw a familiar face sitting there waiting for him. As he walked in he didn't have to wait more than a second before Chloe had her arms around him and he did as well. They talked and cried a little and made some promises, but by the time it had been three hours and Chloe had to be home, Jake promised her he'd always be there if she needed him and she returned the promise. He held her like she was his lifeline and she didn't flinch or question it. As she walked out the doors she promised she would never leave him alone and for the first time in what felt like forever, Jacob Dillinger had hope. 

His new life was far more empty and three times more broken, but this time he had help to fix it. It would always be empty in a very special place, but the fuller it became in others almost made everything okay.

 


End file.
